One Text Special

Posted on 16/09/2010 by LoveInTheAfternoon

My afternoon's focus and concentration broken by an unexpected sext from Mr Text, flashing up while I'm on a dull conference call.

I'm thinking about you astride me, leaning forward to kiss me as you slowly ride up and down my length.
I move my hands from your hips to grab and caress your hair, neck and face.
It's so perfect I can hardly breathe.

Mmmmmm; as Dirty Harry might say ....make my day.

Posted in , , , | Leave a comment

Chastened: The Book Review

by LoveInTheAfternoon

The one book I can't help but strongly recommend is this - 'Chastened' by Hephzibah Anderson.
I am more or less the same age as the author, very similar educational background and - going out on a limb - if we are talking in terms of numbers of, ahem, notches on bedposts, I'm pretty much there too. So, a lot to identify with from the outset. She's attractive, intelligent, articulate - probably like you and me.

I am going to link to the blurb on her website that explains her motivations in doing this because it neatly encapsulates what the book is about. Obviously, her situation differed to mine in that she willingly chose to go without sex for a year (*I didn't choose) but her experience threw up so many similarities to my own - including some unexpected positive aspects too.
I totally identified with her desire to cover up, to somehow instinctively shroud one's femininity, as did I her observation that sex has a tendency to become 'taken for granted' in its own way - to lose its 'specialness'. Also, the very pertinent fact that just because you aren't having sex, it doesn't mean that you are not a sexual or sensual person...and that going without heightens your senses in the most surprising way.

Perhaps most surprisingly though, and talking now as a woman who has emerged from that sexless relationship and is looking forward to the future, I also strongly identify with the positive aspects to be gained from the experience. At heart, I'm an optimist and a toughie and it's very important for me to learn from this experience, good and bad.

So, really, the point I am trying to make here is that yes, being in a sexless relationship (especially when you haven't wanted to be) is bl**dy awful, but without being a Pollyanna about it...it can force you to re-evaluate your attitude to your own sexuality and most importantly, see afresh your value as a woman.

For me, the lesson I have learned is that sex is hugely important to me within the context of a loving relationship (or even just for its own sake/mutual enjoyment and sensual pleasure) and that sexual compatibility is a fundamental prerequisite, and not a 'maybe' or 'it'll probably get better in time'. I'm not saying that sex has some kind of mystical, holy value....or worse, that I'm some kind of religious nut, tub-thumper or born again virgin, but nevertheless, I value myself enough to know that sex with me is worth something.

Maybe this is a fundamentally female way of looking at this (I don't know) but in part this goes some way to explain why, even now when I guess I could (because I'm no longer in a relationship), the thought of just sh*gging my way around SW London or going out looking for random sh*gs just doesn't appeal. I want something more 'meaningful'....not necessarily 'love' or a deep 'emotional' connection but something more than it just being the inevitable ending to a night out. It's going to be on my terms.

Buy 'Chastened' the book on Amazon.

Posted in , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Importance of Survival Tactics

Posted on 15/09/2010 by LoveInTheAfternoon


Now seems to be the appropriate moment to raise the issue if the importance of Survival Tactics in coping with a sexless marriage or relationship. Let me explain.
The one question that has been asked of me, time and time again, by those I have chosen to tell about my sexless relationship was how the hell I coped?
The fact is, I didn't really. Not 100%. There's nothing to replicate the sensation of skin on skin, the aching craving in your stomach, the urgent gasp for breath and the electric surge of electricity as limbs entwine. There really isn't - it's just wonderful.
But, y'know, I'm a pragmatist at heart and resolute. It was one thing trying to get my Ex to talk about it (he wouldn't and still hasn't) but the other task at hand was making sure that my own sense of self and, most importantly, my femininity remained intact.
The one thing I realised in my own relationship an awfully long time ago was that it (the sexless problem) had nothing to do with me. This sounds really arrogant, but it's true. It would have been different had I not, for example, wanted to give my OH blow job's or not wanted sex at all - then you could say, well, there is a causal link between the outcome and my actions (*ie, that he found a pragmatic solution his side). But we were just sexually incompatible and I can't live in that situation long term.
So - my Survival Tactics were very clear and very deliberate - namely, to keep my sense of self and femininity intact as far as possible. They aren't perfect, they aren't platitudes - but when your back's up against a wall (and not in the hot and passionate way you envisage!)....you've got to find what works for you.
These worked for me.
  1. Keep in shape: Love what you've got! (even if your OH doesn't!) Exercise is not only good to stave off depression but knowing that you look good really helps.
  2. Keep up your grooming routine: Make sure legs/brazilian/hollywood or bikini wax/highlights etc all ongoing. Do it for yourself.
  3. Wear lovely lingerie: I can't stress this enough. Nothing saps one's energy/self esteem more than a grey bra and saggy knickers. My drawers have more Myla, Damaris and Simone Perele than is decent - even though I'm the only one to have seen them. But knowing they are underneath is your Secret Weapon #1
  4. Sexy Shoes: Consign the Converse trainers to walks or the park. It's totally (totally) obvious, but heels make you feel 100x better and infinitely more feminine. Sure; you'll spend a fortune on those balls-of-sole protectors, but you'll feel like you've made an effort. That's half the rent (I think)
  5. Clothes: Fight the temptation to wear that big, green fleece top (yes! you know the one I mean). Make an effort to wear a dress or a skirt at least once a week. This may sound illogical to someone who's not in a sexless relationship, but weirdly (or maybe not), the desire to cover up and become an asexual being can be all consuming. Fight it. This one is really tough, I know.
  6. Masturbate (aka 'Doing Delia'): The most important Survival Tactic of all. As the saying goes 'if you don't use it, you'll lose it'. Sure; it's never going to be as good as the Real Deal (or having someone else touch you there) but in so far as keeping the sensations going - it's the best. Weirdly, my OH used to have a problem with me touching myself while he was in the same bed (I recall he once even left the room because he couldn't cope with the thought of my having !gasp! sexual desires) but *uck it (even if you can't). I have a roll-call of fantasies I trot out (usually previous bfriends or the occasional female frolic in the distant past) but if anything, it's the joyful spontaneity of the memories of the encounters that keeps me gasping.
  7. Burlesque: You may laugh, but this is a fantastic way for any woman to regain her sense of femininity. I can warmly and heartily recommend Jo King at the London Academy of Burlesque for her remarkably nurturing and warm teaching manner. As the Grande Dame of Burlesque, she's phenomenally experienced and just lovely. Trust me, once you've learned how to remove a pair of elbow high satin gloves in an the most infinitely seductive manner you could imagine - really, you'll never quite look the same way at those yellow rubber washing up gloves again. You'll love it - really - it will give you just the inner boost you need, regardless of age, shape and size. I love it.

Posted in , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sexless Marriages on Mumsnet

by LoveInTheAfternoon

Now; I'm not a Mum, but it hasn't escaped my beady eyes that Mumsnet is a hotbed of controversial discussion and debate. As part of my own 'journey' in coming to terms with my sexless relationship, I was desperate to read the experiences of others and to gain solace from the knowledge that it wasn't just me in this god-awful situation.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mumsnet was where I found a veritable feast of anecdotal evidence of other women leading sexless marriages and relationships. (Incidentally, Mumsnet, alongside the online Daily Mail, are probably my best tips for UK focused reading matter in this area.)

Nienna's story of her sexless marriage breaks my heart, just because it is so similar to my own. As much as I'd love to have kids, I am just so glad I didn't (as she does) because that would have made it a hundred times harder to leave.

Comments are pretty much as you'd expect with suggestions of counselling, mutual enjoyment of porn, upfront communication, is he gay? blah blah blah.

Tick, tick, tick to all the above in my case - to no avail.

But this comment from secondtimer1 stood out most for me:

Nienna, I put up with it for over 20 years - tortured myself constantly, ached with frustration and self-loathing most of the time -and sorry to say but, trust me, the kids are fully aware of the tension and your unhappiness. You will never get him to change - just as you cannot change yourself., He may be dysfunctional, he may be gay, he may be terrified of losing control - at the end of the day he is who he is, and only he can change himself. You need to do things that lifts your self-esteem and make you accept yourself as a passionate loving woman. A book that helped me was "Women who love too much" - it's about co-dependency but it helped me to understand where my motivation to keep the marriage going for so long came from.

I haven't read this book but I think I should.

Posted in , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A No 19 Special

Posted on 14/09/2010 by LoveInTheAfternoon

A frisson of pleasure on board the No19 bus heading up Piccadilly. Frantic sexting with Mr Text. Doubtless there are some who'd say this is all wrong (wrong, wrong), given all the other messy stuff that is going on in my life at the moment - but I don't care. I love it. I am sooooo frustrated.

So, the woman you see - the one demurely holding a copy of The Times, wearing pearl earrings frantically tapping away at her Blackberry - don't just assume it's all work, work, work.

I am thinking about you.
What are you thinking?
Nice thoughts. Lazy, sleepy sex with you slowly screwing me from behind.
I like how deep I can get from behind, especially when your arse is pushed right back and your cunt really juiced up. I've barely got my eyes open and already you've made me really hard. This bodes well for Wednesday.
I'm grinding my hips against you in slow, circular motions. Can't you feel it?
That's better! At least I too have a smile now. No time for more though, tragically.

Shame.

Posted in , , , , | Leave a comment