Showing posts with label The Ex. Show all posts

The Importance of Survival Tactics


Now seems to be the appropriate moment to raise the issue if the importance of Survival Tactics in coping with a sexless marriage or relationship. Let me explain.
The one question that has been asked of me, time and time again, by those I have chosen to tell about my sexless relationship was how the hell I coped?
The fact is, I didn't really. Not 100%. There's nothing to replicate the sensation of skin on skin, the aching craving in your stomach, the urgent gasp for breath and the electric surge of electricity as limbs entwine. There really isn't - it's just wonderful.
But, y'know, I'm a pragmatist at heart and resolute. It was one thing trying to get my Ex to talk about it (he wouldn't and still hasn't) but the other task at hand was making sure that my own sense of self and, most importantly, my femininity remained intact.
The one thing I realised in my own relationship an awfully long time ago was that it (the sexless problem) had nothing to do with me. This sounds really arrogant, but it's true. It would have been different had I not, for example, wanted to give my OH blow job's or not wanted sex at all - then you could say, well, there is a causal link between the outcome and my actions (*ie, that he found a pragmatic solution his side). But we were just sexually incompatible and I can't live in that situation long term.
So - my Survival Tactics were very clear and very deliberate - namely, to keep my sense of self and femininity intact as far as possible. They aren't perfect, they aren't platitudes - but when your back's up against a wall (and not in the hot and passionate way you envisage!)....you've got to find what works for you.
These worked for me.
  1. Keep in shape: Love what you've got! (even if your OH doesn't!) Exercise is not only good to stave off depression but knowing that you look good really helps.
  2. Keep up your grooming routine: Make sure legs/brazilian/hollywood or bikini wax/highlights etc all ongoing. Do it for yourself.
  3. Wear lovely lingerie: I can't stress this enough. Nothing saps one's energy/self esteem more than a grey bra and saggy knickers. My drawers have more Myla, Damaris and Simone Perele than is decent - even though I'm the only one to have seen them. But knowing they are underneath is your Secret Weapon #1
  4. Sexy Shoes: Consign the Converse trainers to walks or the park. It's totally (totally) obvious, but heels make you feel 100x better and infinitely more feminine. Sure; you'll spend a fortune on those balls-of-sole protectors, but you'll feel like you've made an effort. That's half the rent (I think)
  5. Clothes: Fight the temptation to wear that big, green fleece top (yes! you know the one I mean). Make an effort to wear a dress or a skirt at least once a week. This may sound illogical to someone who's not in a sexless relationship, but weirdly (or maybe not), the desire to cover up and become an asexual being can be all consuming. Fight it. This one is really tough, I know.
  6. Masturbate (aka 'Doing Delia'): The most important Survival Tactic of all. As the saying goes 'if you don't use it, you'll lose it'. Sure; it's never going to be as good as the Real Deal (or having someone else touch you there) but in so far as keeping the sensations going - it's the best. Weirdly, my OH used to have a problem with me touching myself while he was in the same bed (I recall he once even left the room because he couldn't cope with the thought of my having !gasp! sexual desires) but *uck it (even if you can't). I have a roll-call of fantasies I trot out (usually previous bfriends or the occasional female frolic in the distant past) but if anything, it's the joyful spontaneity of the memories of the encounters that keeps me gasping.
  7. Burlesque: You may laugh, but this is a fantastic way for any woman to regain her sense of femininity. I can warmly and heartily recommend Jo King at the London Academy of Burlesque for her remarkably nurturing and warm teaching manner. As the Grande Dame of Burlesque, she's phenomenally experienced and just lovely. Trust me, once you've learned how to remove a pair of elbow high satin gloves in an the most infinitely seductive manner you could imagine - really, you'll never quite look the same way at those yellow rubber washing up gloves again. You'll love it - really - it will give you just the inner boost you need, regardless of age, shape and size. I love it.

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Couples Counselling

Quick post this as another busy day looms. Work, then client meeting followed by first 'proper' counsellor session at lunch. It's the only time they could fit me in and frankly, I'm desperate and at a point where I need to get over this 'road-hump' in my life. But it's definitely a waterproof mascara day, that's for sure.

I can sit here and analyse ad infinitum why my OH didn't want to have sex with me, why he chose to see S&M prostitutes extensively and exclusively for the bulk of our LTR, ignore me sexually despite my begging him to have sex with me or even tackle the issue of our non-sex life, but even I see that is all a futile exercise. It wasn't my 'fault', we were just sexually incompatible - this I all 'get' - but what I'm having a real problem with is moving forward.

I want to, I know I need to....but I am scared that having stayed in what was clearly such a dysfunctional (ie, sexless) relationship for so long means that my judgement is off, that I'm going to make the same mistakes again and worst of all, that I must be a doormat. Logically, I can point to all the reasons why I stayed - love, shared experience, the hope that we could change it - but these all sound so hollow to my ears. I feel so....stupid. I'm not a victim, but I am just so....angry.

Once was enough. Never again.

So, lunchtime it is. I was recommended by a friend to use Relate and this is what I am doing, though I can't help but think it somewhat ironic that I'm going on my own: 'Couples Counselling' indeed. I went to the first assessment session last week and am slightly non-plussed by the process. £75 for the dubious privilege of hearing myself wittering on about blah blah no sex for 4.5years. Even I'm bored by it now.

I'm probably looking for the Silver Bullet that doesn't exist but I just want to move forward, whatever that means.

Having been so necessarily self-reliant for so long, purely as a Survival Tactic, I just don't trust anyone.
The Ex knows I am going to counselling. I have suggested we go together, mainly as I really want to get 'closure' and move on. But as he still won't discuss his sexual interests with me at all and is using the same avoidance / non discussion tactics he used throughout our relationship - it's a brick wall.

This makes me so *&^%*&%*&%* mad. But then, what else should I expect?

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Venturing into Online Dating


So, it's like this - I have finally bitten the bullet, bowed to the inevitable and joined an online dating site. This inspires both a sense of curiosity but also a vague, gnawing sense of disappointment; after all, the romantic in me (for I am one, despite all appearances to the contrary) had really hoped for some kind of coup de foudre...or at least the kind of excitement bestowed by a glass (or 3) of wine in real life.

Has it really come to this?

The fact of the matter is - I'm just not meeting anyone. Most of my friends are married, coupled up or just not around. I need to take drastic measures or someone at some distant point in the future will find me mummified and stuck to the sofa. And I'm not joking.

I'm trying to be positive - I'm in great shape, I have prospects (well; ish), I'm financially ok (ish, have mortgage but then who doesn't?), I'm educated, I have wit and womanly warmth. But it scares the sh*t out of me, nevertheless.

I've purposely avoided looking at other female profiles on the site for this very reason. I'm not sure my shaky self esteem is quite ready to be hauled over the coals just yet and whilst I can convince myself that I'm 'ok'... I have a feeling that it will take little more than the sleek, glossy lines of someone a few years younger than me to dent my fragile confidence. For someone so competitive in her working life, I just can't hack it in my personal life.

So, not going there.

My friend Freya told me to 'be positive and open' about this, but to be honest, I don't know what this means. The truth is, I would like to meet someone spectacular - a verray, parfit, gentil knyght - not so they can save me (*I don't need 'saving') but someone who can appreciate all the good things about me and let me love them back. I'm not looking for a hero or a superman; just someone who is straightforward in what they want.
...and for that to include me, in all senses - physically, emotionally, mentally.

But the truth is, twelve months on and I'm still not over my Ex. I can't help but benchmark everyone I meet against him in so many ways...but of course, it was all just doomed. Can't love someone fully if you don't have sex. And that, Dear Reader, is the truth of it and that is why I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. It wasn't meant to be like this.

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