Showing posts with label Survival Tactics. Show all posts

The Importance of Survival Tactics


Now seems to be the appropriate moment to raise the issue if the importance of Survival Tactics in coping with a sexless marriage or relationship. Let me explain.
The one question that has been asked of me, time and time again, by those I have chosen to tell about my sexless relationship was how the hell I coped?
The fact is, I didn't really. Not 100%. There's nothing to replicate the sensation of skin on skin, the aching craving in your stomach, the urgent gasp for breath and the electric surge of electricity as limbs entwine. There really isn't - it's just wonderful.
But, y'know, I'm a pragmatist at heart and resolute. It was one thing trying to get my Ex to talk about it (he wouldn't and still hasn't) but the other task at hand was making sure that my own sense of self and, most importantly, my femininity remained intact.
The one thing I realised in my own relationship an awfully long time ago was that it (the sexless problem) had nothing to do with me. This sounds really arrogant, but it's true. It would have been different had I not, for example, wanted to give my OH blow job's or not wanted sex at all - then you could say, well, there is a causal link between the outcome and my actions (*ie, that he found a pragmatic solution his side). But we were just sexually incompatible and I can't live in that situation long term.
So - my Survival Tactics were very clear and very deliberate - namely, to keep my sense of self and femininity intact as far as possible. They aren't perfect, they aren't platitudes - but when your back's up against a wall (and not in the hot and passionate way you envisage!)....you've got to find what works for you.
These worked for me.
  1. Keep in shape: Love what you've got! (even if your OH doesn't!) Exercise is not only good to stave off depression but knowing that you look good really helps.
  2. Keep up your grooming routine: Make sure legs/brazilian/hollywood or bikini wax/highlights etc all ongoing. Do it for yourself.
  3. Wear lovely lingerie: I can't stress this enough. Nothing saps one's energy/self esteem more than a grey bra and saggy knickers. My drawers have more Myla, Damaris and Simone Perele than is decent - even though I'm the only one to have seen them. But knowing they are underneath is your Secret Weapon #1
  4. Sexy Shoes: Consign the Converse trainers to walks or the park. It's totally (totally) obvious, but heels make you feel 100x better and infinitely more feminine. Sure; you'll spend a fortune on those balls-of-sole protectors, but you'll feel like you've made an effort. That's half the rent (I think)
  5. Clothes: Fight the temptation to wear that big, green fleece top (yes! you know the one I mean). Make an effort to wear a dress or a skirt at least once a week. This may sound illogical to someone who's not in a sexless relationship, but weirdly (or maybe not), the desire to cover up and become an asexual being can be all consuming. Fight it. This one is really tough, I know.
  6. Masturbate (aka 'Doing Delia'): The most important Survival Tactic of all. As the saying goes 'if you don't use it, you'll lose it'. Sure; it's never going to be as good as the Real Deal (or having someone else touch you there) but in so far as keeping the sensations going - it's the best. Weirdly, my OH used to have a problem with me touching myself while he was in the same bed (I recall he once even left the room because he couldn't cope with the thought of my having !gasp! sexual desires) but *uck it (even if you can't). I have a roll-call of fantasies I trot out (usually previous bfriends or the occasional female frolic in the distant past) but if anything, it's the joyful spontaneity of the memories of the encounters that keeps me gasping.
  7. Burlesque: You may laugh, but this is a fantastic way for any woman to regain her sense of femininity. I can warmly and heartily recommend Jo King at the London Academy of Burlesque for her remarkably nurturing and warm teaching manner. As the Grande Dame of Burlesque, she's phenomenally experienced and just lovely. Trust me, once you've learned how to remove a pair of elbow high satin gloves in an the most infinitely seductive manner you could imagine - really, you'll never quite look the same way at those yellow rubber washing up gloves again. You'll love it - really - it will give you just the inner boost you need, regardless of age, shape and size. I love it.

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Sexless Marriages on Mumsnet

Now; I'm not a Mum, but it hasn't escaped my beady eyes that Mumsnet is a hotbed of controversial discussion and debate. As part of my own 'journey' in coming to terms with my sexless relationship, I was desperate to read the experiences of others and to gain solace from the knowledge that it wasn't just me in this god-awful situation.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mumsnet was where I found a veritable feast of anecdotal evidence of other women leading sexless marriages and relationships. (Incidentally, Mumsnet, alongside the online Daily Mail, are probably my best tips for UK focused reading matter in this area.)

Nienna's story of her sexless marriage breaks my heart, just because it is so similar to my own. As much as I'd love to have kids, I am just so glad I didn't (as she does) because that would have made it a hundred times harder to leave.

Comments are pretty much as you'd expect with suggestions of counselling, mutual enjoyment of porn, upfront communication, is he gay? blah blah blah.

Tick, tick, tick to all the above in my case - to no avail.

But this comment from secondtimer1 stood out most for me:

Nienna, I put up with it for over 20 years - tortured myself constantly, ached with frustration and self-loathing most of the time -and sorry to say but, trust me, the kids are fully aware of the tension and your unhappiness. You will never get him to change - just as you cannot change yourself., He may be dysfunctional, he may be gay, he may be terrified of losing control - at the end of the day he is who he is, and only he can change himself. You need to do things that lifts your self-esteem and make you accept yourself as a passionate loving woman. A book that helped me was "Women who love too much" - it's about co-dependency but it helped me to understand where my motivation to keep the marriage going for so long came from.

I haven't read this book but I think I should.

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A No 19 Special

A frisson of pleasure on board the No19 bus heading up Piccadilly. Frantic sexting with Mr Text. Doubtless there are some who'd say this is all wrong (wrong, wrong), given all the other messy stuff that is going on in my life at the moment - but I don't care. I love it. I am sooooo frustrated.

So, the woman you see - the one demurely holding a copy of The Times, wearing pearl earrings frantically tapping away at her Blackberry - don't just assume it's all work, work, work.

I am thinking about you.
What are you thinking?
Nice thoughts. Lazy, sleepy sex with you slowly screwing me from behind.
I like how deep I can get from behind, especially when your arse is pushed right back and your cunt really juiced up. I've barely got my eyes open and already you've made me really hard. This bodes well for Wednesday.
I'm grinding my hips against you in slow, circular motions. Can't you feel it?
That's better! At least I too have a smile now. No time for more though, tragically.

Shame.

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Couples Counselling

Quick post this as another busy day looms. Work, then client meeting followed by first 'proper' counsellor session at lunch. It's the only time they could fit me in and frankly, I'm desperate and at a point where I need to get over this 'road-hump' in my life. But it's definitely a waterproof mascara day, that's for sure.

I can sit here and analyse ad infinitum why my OH didn't want to have sex with me, why he chose to see S&M prostitutes extensively and exclusively for the bulk of our LTR, ignore me sexually despite my begging him to have sex with me or even tackle the issue of our non-sex life, but even I see that is all a futile exercise. It wasn't my 'fault', we were just sexually incompatible - this I all 'get' - but what I'm having a real problem with is moving forward.

I want to, I know I need to....but I am scared that having stayed in what was clearly such a dysfunctional (ie, sexless) relationship for so long means that my judgement is off, that I'm going to make the same mistakes again and worst of all, that I must be a doormat. Logically, I can point to all the reasons why I stayed - love, shared experience, the hope that we could change it - but these all sound so hollow to my ears. I feel so....stupid. I'm not a victim, but I am just so....angry.

Once was enough. Never again.

So, lunchtime it is. I was recommended by a friend to use Relate and this is what I am doing, though I can't help but think it somewhat ironic that I'm going on my own: 'Couples Counselling' indeed. I went to the first assessment session last week and am slightly non-plussed by the process. £75 for the dubious privilege of hearing myself wittering on about blah blah no sex for 4.5years. Even I'm bored by it now.

I'm probably looking for the Silver Bullet that doesn't exist but I just want to move forward, whatever that means.

Having been so necessarily self-reliant for so long, purely as a Survival Tactic, I just don't trust anyone.
The Ex knows I am going to counselling. I have suggested we go together, mainly as I really want to get 'closure' and move on. But as he still won't discuss his sexual interests with me at all and is using the same avoidance / non discussion tactics he used throughout our relationship - it's a brick wall.

This makes me so *&^%*&%*&%* mad. But then, what else should I expect?

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Delia Smith's One Is Fun..

As the saying goes (or maybe not...) you can take the girl out of the Home Counties, but you can't take the Home Counties out of the girl (que?)

This is my rather fumbled, clumsy way to introduce my own favoured term for female masturbation - or rather, as I like to call it 'doing Delia'.....because, as we girls all know, one is most definitely fun.

So, no, you won't find this definition in the Urban Dictionary, whose other euphemisms for this very pleasurable activity include flicking the bean and smacking the pony, but I like to think this is infinitely more classy.

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Introducing Mr Text

Well; here we are. Tuesday morning and a busy day ahead with three back to back meetings. Need my head switched on. Woke early to find a text from...Mr Text, my erstwhile dissaffected Brummie friend:

I don't want to do anything involving gratification for myself. 

I just want to kiss your whole body, and (when you tell me you're ready) hold your arse and lick your clit for at least an hour, while you grip the back of my head and buck your hips like a wild animal.
 

Not so much a Fuck Buddy or Friend With Benefits (we've only ever met once and it was all perfectly above board) but more of a Sext Buddy, if indeed such a term exists.
Late 30s, he's also entrenched in a ltr with a (much older) woman who has 'gone off sex' for the past 10 months. I suspect he's still in denial mode, despite my telling him very clearly that without sex, a relationship is on shaky ground. I don't think he hears me.
 

What started as a mutual interest in French cinema, literature and politics turned into the bizarre situation we now have in front of us, which frankly bears no relation to any of the afore mentioned high falutin' interests. Learning that we both had shared the same unwilling celibacy gave us a connection in more ways than one and so it slid progressively further into such forms of ?intimacy?. Whatever.
 

I don't love him; I don't want us to get together as a couple and I don't see us having what would be termed a 'proper relationship'. But for the moment, whilst I am in my adjustment phase and moving from long-term unwilling celibate to fully-fledged sexual being - it's enough.
 

As Survival Tactics go, solo masturbation on the back of such finely honed words will set me up nicely for the day, thank you very much.

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