Now seems to be the appropriate moment to raise the issue if the importance of Survival Tactics in coping with a sexless marriage or relationship. Let me explain.
The one question that has been asked of me, time and time again, by those I have chosen to tell about my sexless relationship was how the hell I coped?
The fact is, I didn't really. Not 100%. There's nothing to replicate the sensation of skin on skin, the aching craving in your stomach, the urgent gasp for breath and the electric surge of electricity as limbs entwine. There really isn't - it's just wonderful.
But, y'know, I'm a pragmatist at heart and resolute. It was one thing trying to get my Ex to talk about it (he wouldn't and still hasn't) but the other task at hand was making sure that my own sense of self and, most importantly, my femininity remained intact.
The one thing I realised in my own relationship an awfully long time ago was that it (the sexless problem) had nothing to do with me. This sounds really arrogant, but it's true. It would have been different had I not, for example, wanted to give my OH blow job's or not wanted sex at all - then you could say, well, there is a causal link between the outcome and my actions (*ie, that he found a pragmatic solution his side). But we were just sexually incompatible and I can't live in that situation long term.
So - my Survival Tactics were very clear and very deliberate - namely, to keep my sense of self and femininity intact as far as possible. They aren't perfect, they aren't platitudes - but when your back's up against a wall (and not in the hot and passionate way you envisage!)....you've got to find what works for you.
These worked for me.
So - my Survival Tactics were very clear and very deliberate - namely, to keep my sense of self and femininity intact as far as possible. They aren't perfect, they aren't platitudes - but when your back's up against a wall (and not in the hot and passionate way you envisage!)....you've got to find what works for you.
These worked for me.
- Keep in shape: Love what you've got! (even if your OH doesn't!) Exercise is not only good to stave off depression but knowing that you look good really helps.
- Keep up your grooming routine: Make sure legs/brazilian/hollywood or bikini wax/highlights etc all ongoing. Do it for yourself.
- Wear lovely lingerie: I can't stress this enough. Nothing saps one's energy/self esteem more than a grey bra and saggy knickers. My drawers have more Myla, Damaris and Simone Perele than is decent - even though I'm the only one to have seen them. But knowing they are underneath is your Secret Weapon #1
- Sexy Shoes: Consign the Converse trainers to walks or the park. It's totally (totally) obvious, but heels make you feel 100x better and infinitely more feminine. Sure; you'll spend a fortune on those balls-of-sole protectors, but you'll feel like you've made an effort. That's half the rent (I think)
- Clothes: Fight the temptation to wear that big, green fleece top (yes! you know the one I mean). Make an effort to wear a dress or a skirt at least once a week. This may sound illogical to someone who's not in a sexless relationship, but weirdly (or maybe not), the desire to cover up and become an asexual being can be all consuming. Fight it. This one is really tough, I know.
- Masturbate (aka 'Doing Delia'): The most important Survival Tactic of all. As the saying goes 'if you don't use it, you'll lose it'. Sure; it's never going to be as good as the Real Deal (or having someone else touch you there) but in so far as keeping the sensations going - it's the best. Weirdly, my OH used to have a problem with me touching myself while he was in the same bed (I recall he once even left the room because he couldn't cope with the thought of my having !gasp! sexual desires) but *uck it (even if you can't). I have a roll-call of fantasies I trot out (usually previous bfriends or the occasional female frolic in the distant past) but if anything, it's the joyful spontaneity of the memories of the encounters that keeps me gasping.
- Burlesque: You may laugh, but this is a fantastic way for any woman to regain her sense of femininity. I can warmly and heartily recommend Jo King at the London Academy of Burlesque for her remarkably nurturing and warm teaching manner. As the Grande Dame of Burlesque, she's phenomenally experienced and just lovely. Trust me, once you've learned how to remove a pair of elbow high satin gloves in an the most infinitely seductive manner you could imagine - really, you'll never quite look the same way at those yellow rubber washing up gloves again. You'll love it - really - it will give you just the inner boost you need, regardless of age, shape and size. I love it.
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