Archive for September 2010

One Text Special

Posted on 16/09/2010 by LoveInTheAfternoon

My afternoon's focus and concentration broken by an unexpected sext from Mr Text, flashing up while I'm on a dull conference call.

I'm thinking about you astride me, leaning forward to kiss me as you slowly ride up and down my length.
I move my hands from your hips to grab and caress your hair, neck and face.
It's so perfect I can hardly breathe.

Mmmmmm; as Dirty Harry might say ....make my day.

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Chastened: The Book Review

by LoveInTheAfternoon

The one book I can't help but strongly recommend is this - 'Chastened' by Hephzibah Anderson.
I am more or less the same age as the author, very similar educational background and - going out on a limb - if we are talking in terms of numbers of, ahem, notches on bedposts, I'm pretty much there too. So, a lot to identify with from the outset. She's attractive, intelligent, articulate - probably like you and me.

I am going to link to the blurb on her website that explains her motivations in doing this because it neatly encapsulates what the book is about. Obviously, her situation differed to mine in that she willingly chose to go without sex for a year (*I didn't choose) but her experience threw up so many similarities to my own - including some unexpected positive aspects too.
I totally identified with her desire to cover up, to somehow instinctively shroud one's femininity, as did I her observation that sex has a tendency to become 'taken for granted' in its own way - to lose its 'specialness'. Also, the very pertinent fact that just because you aren't having sex, it doesn't mean that you are not a sexual or sensual person...and that going without heightens your senses in the most surprising way.

Perhaps most surprisingly though, and talking now as a woman who has emerged from that sexless relationship and is looking forward to the future, I also strongly identify with the positive aspects to be gained from the experience. At heart, I'm an optimist and a toughie and it's very important for me to learn from this experience, good and bad.

So, really, the point I am trying to make here is that yes, being in a sexless relationship (especially when you haven't wanted to be) is bl**dy awful, but without being a Pollyanna about it...it can force you to re-evaluate your attitude to your own sexuality and most importantly, see afresh your value as a woman.

For me, the lesson I have learned is that sex is hugely important to me within the context of a loving relationship (or even just for its own sake/mutual enjoyment and sensual pleasure) and that sexual compatibility is a fundamental prerequisite, and not a 'maybe' or 'it'll probably get better in time'. I'm not saying that sex has some kind of mystical, holy value....or worse, that I'm some kind of religious nut, tub-thumper or born again virgin, but nevertheless, I value myself enough to know that sex with me is worth something.

Maybe this is a fundamentally female way of looking at this (I don't know) but in part this goes some way to explain why, even now when I guess I could (because I'm no longer in a relationship), the thought of just sh*gging my way around SW London or going out looking for random sh*gs just doesn't appeal. I want something more 'meaningful'....not necessarily 'love' or a deep 'emotional' connection but something more than it just being the inevitable ending to a night out. It's going to be on my terms.

Buy 'Chastened' the book on Amazon.

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The Importance of Survival Tactics

Posted on 15/09/2010 by LoveInTheAfternoon


Now seems to be the appropriate moment to raise the issue if the importance of Survival Tactics in coping with a sexless marriage or relationship. Let me explain.
The one question that has been asked of me, time and time again, by those I have chosen to tell about my sexless relationship was how the hell I coped?
The fact is, I didn't really. Not 100%. There's nothing to replicate the sensation of skin on skin, the aching craving in your stomach, the urgent gasp for breath and the electric surge of electricity as limbs entwine. There really isn't - it's just wonderful.
But, y'know, I'm a pragmatist at heart and resolute. It was one thing trying to get my Ex to talk about it (he wouldn't and still hasn't) but the other task at hand was making sure that my own sense of self and, most importantly, my femininity remained intact.
The one thing I realised in my own relationship an awfully long time ago was that it (the sexless problem) had nothing to do with me. This sounds really arrogant, but it's true. It would have been different had I not, for example, wanted to give my OH blow job's or not wanted sex at all - then you could say, well, there is a causal link between the outcome and my actions (*ie, that he found a pragmatic solution his side). But we were just sexually incompatible and I can't live in that situation long term.
So - my Survival Tactics were very clear and very deliberate - namely, to keep my sense of self and femininity intact as far as possible. They aren't perfect, they aren't platitudes - but when your back's up against a wall (and not in the hot and passionate way you envisage!)....you've got to find what works for you.
These worked for me.
  1. Keep in shape: Love what you've got! (even if your OH doesn't!) Exercise is not only good to stave off depression but knowing that you look good really helps.
  2. Keep up your grooming routine: Make sure legs/brazilian/hollywood or bikini wax/highlights etc all ongoing. Do it for yourself.
  3. Wear lovely lingerie: I can't stress this enough. Nothing saps one's energy/self esteem more than a grey bra and saggy knickers. My drawers have more Myla, Damaris and Simone Perele than is decent - even though I'm the only one to have seen them. But knowing they are underneath is your Secret Weapon #1
  4. Sexy Shoes: Consign the Converse trainers to walks or the park. It's totally (totally) obvious, but heels make you feel 100x better and infinitely more feminine. Sure; you'll spend a fortune on those balls-of-sole protectors, but you'll feel like you've made an effort. That's half the rent (I think)
  5. Clothes: Fight the temptation to wear that big, green fleece top (yes! you know the one I mean). Make an effort to wear a dress or a skirt at least once a week. This may sound illogical to someone who's not in a sexless relationship, but weirdly (or maybe not), the desire to cover up and become an asexual being can be all consuming. Fight it. This one is really tough, I know.
  6. Masturbate (aka 'Doing Delia'): The most important Survival Tactic of all. As the saying goes 'if you don't use it, you'll lose it'. Sure; it's never going to be as good as the Real Deal (or having someone else touch you there) but in so far as keeping the sensations going - it's the best. Weirdly, my OH used to have a problem with me touching myself while he was in the same bed (I recall he once even left the room because he couldn't cope with the thought of my having !gasp! sexual desires) but *uck it (even if you can't). I have a roll-call of fantasies I trot out (usually previous bfriends or the occasional female frolic in the distant past) but if anything, it's the joyful spontaneity of the memories of the encounters that keeps me gasping.
  7. Burlesque: You may laugh, but this is a fantastic way for any woman to regain her sense of femininity. I can warmly and heartily recommend Jo King at the London Academy of Burlesque for her remarkably nurturing and warm teaching manner. As the Grande Dame of Burlesque, she's phenomenally experienced and just lovely. Trust me, once you've learned how to remove a pair of elbow high satin gloves in an the most infinitely seductive manner you could imagine - really, you'll never quite look the same way at those yellow rubber washing up gloves again. You'll love it - really - it will give you just the inner boost you need, regardless of age, shape and size. I love it.

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Sexless Marriages on Mumsnet

by LoveInTheAfternoon

Now; I'm not a Mum, but it hasn't escaped my beady eyes that Mumsnet is a hotbed of controversial discussion and debate. As part of my own 'journey' in coming to terms with my sexless relationship, I was desperate to read the experiences of others and to gain solace from the knowledge that it wasn't just me in this god-awful situation.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mumsnet was where I found a veritable feast of anecdotal evidence of other women leading sexless marriages and relationships. (Incidentally, Mumsnet, alongside the online Daily Mail, are probably my best tips for UK focused reading matter in this area.)

Nienna's story of her sexless marriage breaks my heart, just because it is so similar to my own. As much as I'd love to have kids, I am just so glad I didn't (as she does) because that would have made it a hundred times harder to leave.

Comments are pretty much as you'd expect with suggestions of counselling, mutual enjoyment of porn, upfront communication, is he gay? blah blah blah.

Tick, tick, tick to all the above in my case - to no avail.

But this comment from secondtimer1 stood out most for me:

Nienna, I put up with it for over 20 years - tortured myself constantly, ached with frustration and self-loathing most of the time -and sorry to say but, trust me, the kids are fully aware of the tension and your unhappiness. You will never get him to change - just as you cannot change yourself., He may be dysfunctional, he may be gay, he may be terrified of losing control - at the end of the day he is who he is, and only he can change himself. You need to do things that lifts your self-esteem and make you accept yourself as a passionate loving woman. A book that helped me was "Women who love too much" - it's about co-dependency but it helped me to understand where my motivation to keep the marriage going for so long came from.

I haven't read this book but I think I should.

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A No 19 Special

Posted on 14/09/2010 by LoveInTheAfternoon

A frisson of pleasure on board the No19 bus heading up Piccadilly. Frantic sexting with Mr Text. Doubtless there are some who'd say this is all wrong (wrong, wrong), given all the other messy stuff that is going on in my life at the moment - but I don't care. I love it. I am sooooo frustrated.

So, the woman you see - the one demurely holding a copy of The Times, wearing pearl earrings frantically tapping away at her Blackberry - don't just assume it's all work, work, work.

I am thinking about you.
What are you thinking?
Nice thoughts. Lazy, sleepy sex with you slowly screwing me from behind.
I like how deep I can get from behind, especially when your arse is pushed right back and your cunt really juiced up. I've barely got my eyes open and already you've made me really hard. This bodes well for Wednesday.
I'm grinding my hips against you in slow, circular motions. Can't you feel it?
That's better! At least I too have a smile now. No time for more though, tragically.

Shame.

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Couples Counselling

by LoveInTheAfternoon

Quick post this as another busy day looms. Work, then client meeting followed by first 'proper' counsellor session at lunch. It's the only time they could fit me in and frankly, I'm desperate and at a point where I need to get over this 'road-hump' in my life. But it's definitely a waterproof mascara day, that's for sure.

I can sit here and analyse ad infinitum why my OH didn't want to have sex with me, why he chose to see S&M prostitutes extensively and exclusively for the bulk of our LTR, ignore me sexually despite my begging him to have sex with me or even tackle the issue of our non-sex life, but even I see that is all a futile exercise. It wasn't my 'fault', we were just sexually incompatible - this I all 'get' - but what I'm having a real problem with is moving forward.

I want to, I know I need to....but I am scared that having stayed in what was clearly such a dysfunctional (ie, sexless) relationship for so long means that my judgement is off, that I'm going to make the same mistakes again and worst of all, that I must be a doormat. Logically, I can point to all the reasons why I stayed - love, shared experience, the hope that we could change it - but these all sound so hollow to my ears. I feel so....stupid. I'm not a victim, but I am just so....angry.

Once was enough. Never again.

So, lunchtime it is. I was recommended by a friend to use Relate and this is what I am doing, though I can't help but think it somewhat ironic that I'm going on my own: 'Couples Counselling' indeed. I went to the first assessment session last week and am slightly non-plussed by the process. £75 for the dubious privilege of hearing myself wittering on about blah blah no sex for 4.5years. Even I'm bored by it now.

I'm probably looking for the Silver Bullet that doesn't exist but I just want to move forward, whatever that means.

Having been so necessarily self-reliant for so long, purely as a Survival Tactic, I just don't trust anyone.
The Ex knows I am going to counselling. I have suggested we go together, mainly as I really want to get 'closure' and move on. But as he still won't discuss his sexual interests with me at all and is using the same avoidance / non discussion tactics he used throughout our relationship - it's a brick wall.

This makes me so *&^%*&%*&%* mad. But then, what else should I expect?

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Venturing into Online Dating

by LoveInTheAfternoon


So, it's like this - I have finally bitten the bullet, bowed to the inevitable and joined an online dating site. This inspires both a sense of curiosity but also a vague, gnawing sense of disappointment; after all, the romantic in me (for I am one, despite all appearances to the contrary) had really hoped for some kind of coup de foudre...or at least the kind of excitement bestowed by a glass (or 3) of wine in real life.

Has it really come to this?

The fact of the matter is - I'm just not meeting anyone. Most of my friends are married, coupled up or just not around. I need to take drastic measures or someone at some distant point in the future will find me mummified and stuck to the sofa. And I'm not joking.

I'm trying to be positive - I'm in great shape, I have prospects (well; ish), I'm financially ok (ish, have mortgage but then who doesn't?), I'm educated, I have wit and womanly warmth. But it scares the sh*t out of me, nevertheless.

I've purposely avoided looking at other female profiles on the site for this very reason. I'm not sure my shaky self esteem is quite ready to be hauled over the coals just yet and whilst I can convince myself that I'm 'ok'... I have a feeling that it will take little more than the sleek, glossy lines of someone a few years younger than me to dent my fragile confidence. For someone so competitive in her working life, I just can't hack it in my personal life.

So, not going there.

My friend Freya told me to 'be positive and open' about this, but to be honest, I don't know what this means. The truth is, I would like to meet someone spectacular - a verray, parfit, gentil knyght - not so they can save me (*I don't need 'saving') but someone who can appreciate all the good things about me and let me love them back. I'm not looking for a hero or a superman; just someone who is straightforward in what they want....and for that to include me, in all senses - physically, emotionally, mentally.

But the truth is, twelve months on and I'm still not over my Ex. I can't help but benchmark everyone I meet against him in so many ways...but of course, it was all just doomed. Can't love someone fully if you don't have sex. And that, Dear Reader, is the truth of it and that is why I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. It wasn't meant to be like this.

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Delia Smith's One Is Fun..

by LoveInTheAfternoon


As the saying goes (or maybe not...) you can take the girl out of the Home Counties, but you can't take the Home Counties out of the girl (que?)

This is my rather fumbled, clumsy way to introduce my own favoured term for female masturbation - or rather, as I like to call it 'doing Delia'.....because, as we girls all know, one is most definitely fun.

So, no, you won't find this definition in the Urban Dictionary, whose other euphemisms for this very pleasurable activity include flicking the bean and smacking the pony, but I like to think this is infinitely more classy.

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Convent School Girls, Wayne Rooney and Sex

by LoveInTheAfternoon



An amusing addendum to the whole Wayne Rooney Escort Scandal (*the latest one, dd Sept '10) is the observation that the woman involved was a (privately) Convent-educated schoolgirl.

Much has been made of the middle-class background blah blah, and of course the fact of her Catholic religion may be simply incidental or indeed just a numbers game given the high percentage of UK population listed as 'Catholic'....but I had to laugh.

As one privately educated ex-Convent schoolgirl to another, it's not altogether surprising - though what I find more shocking was the poor grammar and spelling of her Facebook profile (*edukashun ain't all it's cracked up to be) as well as the clear breach of the code of omerta "discretion is the greater part of valour". Tut tut, indeed.

Certainly, for my own part I led a totally cloistered convent school-life, concentrating on nothing but my Loebs and the history section of Foyles (happy days -). That said, two days after my last A Level I was in Israel and skinny-dipping off the coast at Tel Aviv ...oh yeah, enjoying my first kiss and making up rapidly for lost time.

So, if anything, the (latest...) Wayne Rooney debacle just goes to show that you never know what goes on in a couple's marriage or relationship. As I said, that couple you know - the one leading the perfect life - they're probably not getting deep down and dirty either.

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Sexless Marriages and the Daily Mail Online

by LoveInTheAfternoon

Now, I'm slightly ashamed to admit this, but I read the online Daily Mail. (And no, before you make all manner of assumptions, I'm absolutely not a nasty, homophobic, racist Middle-Englander, it's just that I refuse to pay to read The Times online.)
As a masterpiece of Search Engine Friendly, linkbait-ridden content it wins hands down, a fact surely borne out by their stonkingly fantastic online readership figures which report a mammoth 43% yoy increase.
Talking with friends, it seems the online DM is everyone's dirty little secret.....it's just that no one wants to admit to it.
All of which I think makes for a pretty compelling argument that the mammoth - nay, huuuuge - quantity of comments and feedback garnered by their articles covering 'sexless marriages' or 'celibate' individuals is a pretty darn insightful take on the State of the Nation. And it's not pretty.

Do a search for ' sexless' or 'celibate' on the online search box and you'll see exactly what I mean.
In fact, I'd go so far as to argue that the comments make for more interesting revealing than the articles themselves, which normally feature some poor so-and-so revealing blah blah why they don't like sex anymore (invariably a woman) or worse, some poor hefty hideaway, who quite honestly you'd have a hard time imagining anyone would want to get jiggy with. But I digress.
 
Read the comments and you'll see a marked difference in the male vs female take on the importance of sex within a marriage or ltr. More often than not it's women downplaying its importance and the men complaining about their wives or OH's having given up the ghost.
Obviously my own situation was somewhat unusual in that it was my male OH who refused to have sex, but even so I can't help but sympathise with the mostly male feedback. When someone refuses to have sex with you and makes you forced to contend with a dried up, sexless situation, it sucks - and not in a good way.

Oh, and that platitude that everyone and their dog seems to be trotting out in the feedback, you know the one that goes "sex is the icing and the cherry on the cake" - total boll*cks.   You wouldn't be saying that if you were in my shoes!

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Introducing Mr Text

by LoveInTheAfternoon

Well; here we are. Tuesday morning and a busy day ahead with three back to back meetings. Need my head switched on. Woke early to find a text from...Mr Text, my erstwhile dissaffected Brummie friend:

I don't want to do anything involving gratification for myself. 
I just want to kiss your whole body, and (when you tell me you're ready) hold your arse and lick your clit for at least an hour, while you grip the back of my head and buck your hips like a wild animal.
 
Not so much a Fuck Buddy or Friend With Benefits (we've only ever met once and it was all perfectly above board) but more of a Sext Buddy, if indeed such a term exists.
Late 30s, he's also entrenched in a ltr with a (much older) woman who has 'gone off sex' for the past 10 months. I suspect he's still in denial mode, despite my telling him very clearly that without sex, a relationship is on shaky ground. I don't think he hears me.
 
What started as a mutual interest in French cinema, literature and politics turned into the bizarre situation we now have in front of us, which frankly bears no relation to any of the afore mentioned high falutin' interests. Learning that we both had shared the same unwilling celibacy gave us a connection in more ways than one and so it slid progressively further into such forms of ?intimacy?. Whatever.
 
I don't love him; I don't want us to get together as a couple and I don't see us having what would be termed a 'proper relationship'. But for the moment, whilst I am in my adjustment phase and moving from long-term unwilling celibate to fully-fledged sexual being - it's enough.
 
As Survival Tactics go, solo masturbation on the back of such finely honed words will set me up nicely for the day, thank you very much.

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Living in a Sexless Relationship

Posted on 13/09/2010 by LoveInTheAfternoon

We're often told that men are visual creatures...that they'll sleep with more or less anyone and, if they stray, that it's 'our fault' for not putting out.

But what to do when your Signficant Other has no sexual interest in you at all?
Granted, if it's a mutual decision, then that's fine - but what if it's not? How the hell are you supposed to cope with that? And worse, what to do when he's more focused on fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere - to the absolute exclusion of yours?

So; this is my story. I'm a thirtysomething woman (desperately) in need of a good seeing to....

I'm drawing comfort from my favourite Blondie Song 'Atomic' -
"Make me tonight...make it right....make it magnificant ..tonight - ATOMIC!"


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