So, it's like this - I have finally bitten the bullet, bowed to the inevitable and joined an online dating site. This inspires both a sense of curiosity but also a vague, gnawing sense of disappointment; after all, the romantic in me (for I am one, despite all appearances to the contrary) had really hoped for some kind of coup de foudre...or at least the kind of excitement bestowed by a glass (or 3) of wine in real life.
Has it really come to this?
The fact of the matter is - I'm just not meeting anyone. Most of my friends are married, coupled up or just not around. I need to take drastic measures or someone at some distant point in the future will find me mummified and stuck to the sofa. And I'm not joking.
I'm trying to be positive - I'm in great shape, I have prospects (well; ish), I'm financially ok (ish, have mortgage but then who doesn't?), I'm educated, I have wit and womanly warmth. But it scares the sh*t out of me, nevertheless.
I've purposely avoided looking at other female profiles on the site for this very reason. I'm not sure my shaky self esteem is quite ready to be hauled over the coals just yet and whilst I can convince myself that I'm 'ok'... I have a feeling that it will take little more than the sleek, glossy lines of someone a few years younger than me to dent my fragile confidence. For someone so competitive in her working life, I just can't hack it in my personal life.
So, not going there.
My friend Freya told me to 'be positive and open' about this, but to be honest, I don't know what this means. The truth is, I would like to meet someone spectacular - a verray, parfit, gentil knyght - not so they can save me (*I don't need 'saving') but someone who can appreciate all the good things about me and let me love them back. I'm not looking for a hero or a superman; just someone who is straightforward in what they want....and for that to include me, in all senses - physically, emotionally, mentally.
But the truth is, twelve months on and I'm still not over my Ex. I can't help but benchmark everyone I meet against him in so many ways...but of course, it was all just doomed. Can't love someone fully if you don't have sex. And that, Dear Reader, is the truth of it and that is why I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. It wasn't meant to be like this.
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